


Heaven Is A Place On Earth With You

by neighborhoodninja



Category: Swimming RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-16
Updated: 2013-06-16
Packaged: 2017-12-15 05:03:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/845639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neighborhoodninja/pseuds/neighborhoodninja
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"So, we're like…dating." Michael observes, and Ryan laughs softly.</p>
<p>"I guess. Something like that."</p>
<p>Michael wonders if Ryan knows how to commit. Probably not.</p>
<p>But there's Ryan's smile, pressed into his skin, and Michael thinks of all the people who have fallen for that. He can't be blamed. He's only nineteen.</p>
<p>"I can trust you, then." Michael says, and he knows it's the alcohol talking.</p>
<p>But Ryan doesn't answer, because he's either asleep or pretending to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heaven Is A Place On Earth With You

**Author's Note:**

> I think I mentioned some songs in here that weren't out in 2004, but let's just pretend they were. Nothing in here is real. There's a really over the top kiss but please forgive it I was having a Notebook moment.   
> TItle from Lana Del Rey's Video Games.

_It's better than I ever even knew_

_They say that the world was built for two_

_Only worth living if somebody is loving you_

_Baby, now you do._

 

 

"Michael, c'mover here!" Ryan calls across the Olympic cafeteria, waving Michael over to his table.

Michael grins and stubs his toe on the table's leg when he sits down, like the nineteen-year-old klutz he is. "Yo."

"'Sup." Ryan drawls in his signature laid-back, Florida boy style that Michael's come to know well in the past few weeks. "Dude, you won't believe what I heard about PVK."

Michael had met Ryan at the Athens trials. When he first saw him, Michael did an actual double take.

He had these eyes, these fucking _eyes_ , that you just couldn't tear your own away from once he looked at you. They were the exact same color as the chlorinated water Michael had been swimming in his entire life, except lacking the fake chemicals and harshness. When Ryan smiled, there was something going on in there, something _real_. Michael hadn't seen something like that in a really long time.

They're already finished up the swimming half of the Games. Michael hadn't achieved everything he'd hoped to, and there was a taint of disappointment inside him. But Ryan could always cheer him up, with his idiotic jokes and wild frat party stories, not to mention his perpetual hotness, dammit.

Ryan insists on dragging Michael to a club later that night, and Michael's actually looking forward to it.

He didn't have the best life, growing up with a single mother and two sister, while his asshole of a father whored around in suburbs of Maryland. Michael still winces at all those long, terrible silences that he would draw himself into after his father called, shutting himself off from the rest of the world. Because the rest of the world didn't care about him, so what was the point?

But now, he's found a home. In the water. Surrounded by people who do the exact same thing as he does, only just not as well. Michael could easily hate all of them, and judging by how much hate he's gotten and given throughout his life, it's not impossible.

Except there's Ryan. And hating Ryan is like lying to your mother: it just shouldn't be done. Or you'll feel like a piece of shit.

So Michael lets Ryan tug him into the club, already half-drunk and his head spinning from the pounding bass and all the alcohol, and they make idiots of themselves. Ryan insists on blazing through every dance clump and grinding with anyone within a foot of his body . Michael goes along with it, probably only because he's so trashed.

Nearing two o'clock in the morning, Ryan drags Michael aside and screams in his ear.

"You look so fucking hot!"

Michael giggles and tips the rest of the beer in the red Solo cup Ryan gave him into a nearby plant. "So d'you…"

Then Ryan's grabbing the sides of his face and shoving their faces together, mouth attacking Michael's. Michael makes an incoherent noise, and he lets Ryan's tongue in with a soft groan. He starts losing his balance, and Ryan slings his arms around his hips to keep him upright.

He doesn't even know what he's doing, all he knows is that Ryan tastes like cheap beer and sweat, and he's pressed all warm against Michael's front. Michael lets his arms drift up until he can wrap them around Ryan's neck, leaning closer.

Then Ryan pulls away and grabs Michael's shoulder. "Let's get outta here, I'm beat."

So Michael giggles again, and keeps giggling all the way back to the Olympic Village. He idly wonders if Ryan spiked his drink, but Ryan's trying to kiss him again as they stumble into Michael's room, and he puts that thought away.

But it's like something inside him shuts off when Ryan tries to push him back onto the bed, and he curls up slightly as Ryan's hands travel all over him. Between his legs. 

He doesn't want to, but Michael gently pushes Ryan off of him. "Sorry."

Ryan looks confused, shirt already unbuttoned. "Huh?"

"Look, I…" Michael looks away, and Ryan's arms on either side of him keep him from sitting up fully. "Um, let's just wait, okay?"

Ryan raises an eyebrow. "What, you still a virgin or something?" 

Michael blushes harder than he should, but something about this feels wrong. "Um…yeah. So, like…" He fakes a yawn. "I'm just going to sleep. We can talk in the morning."

He can't see Ryan's expression in the dark, but it's probably disappointed. "Oh. Yeah, whatever."

Ryan gets up abruptly, and Michael hears the door to the bathroom close. He figures he has exactly five minutes to figure out what's wrong with him.

He runs over his conversation with Cullen a couple days before.

_"Dude, he's literally such a player. I saw him with one girl one morning, and a different one that night. I swear, sometimes it's like he doesn't even care." ___

___"Oh, um, okay. Yikes."_ _ _

___"Yeah."_ _ _

__It's Ryan's reputation. Of all these stupid fucking one-night stands, and never being able to commit himself to a single person._ _

__Michael usually wouldn't care all that much, but there's this thing about Ryan that makes him want something real. As real as his smiles are, and the way his blue eyes crinkle up at the corners. Maybe it's because Michael was never committed to by anyone besides his mother and sisters and Bob, and he needs something else. Or maybe he's just fucked up like that._ _

__He sighs, feeling a little guilty for denying Ryan, and he strips down to just his boxers. Michael pulls the blanket tightly around himself, suddenly cold. When the bathroom door opens back up, Michael shuts his eyes tightly and hopes it looks like he's sleeping._ _

__But Ryan's clearly not about to fall for that and he climbs in next to Michael, pressed against his back. Michael's breath hitches and he tries to let himself relax, Ryan's breath ghosting against the nape of his neck._ _

__"Sorry if that was awkward." Ryan mutters, and his arm slides around Michael's waist. Michael can smell the alcohol on his breath, a reminder that he's just as wasted._ _

__"Um, no. It's fine." Michael murmurs, and he's actually getting tired. Ryan's presence is almost comforting, in some weird way._ _

__"I really like you, okay?" Ryan says, nuzzling at the back of Michael's neck, and it's so gentle, so genuine-sounding, that Michael's almost convinced that this could go somewhere._ _

__But the walls he's developed over the years come slamming down, and he stiffens. "I like you, too." It's not a complete lie._ _

__"So, we're, like, leaving tomorrow…" Ryan clears his throat. "Will you call me?"_ _

__"Yeah." Michael lets himself smile. "I will."_ _

__Ryan makes a soft sound, then his breathing evens out, and Michael's knows he's already asleep._ _

__The next morning when he wakes, Ryan's already gone. Michael's back feels cold._ _

__

__

___One month after Athens_ _ _

__Michael's phone dings for the twelfth time that day, and he grins as he sees text Ryan sent him._ _

__[Ryan 3:46]  
OMFG LISTEN_ _

__There's a link to something on Youtube, and Michael taps it. Immediately, Ludacris's "Move Bitch" starts blasting out at him, and he laughs, tapping out a reply._ _

___[Michael 3:49]  
you fuckface i'm at practice  
but the song is awesome_

__[Ryan 3:50]  
Who's ur daddyyy_ _

__Michael laughs again, and Bob glares at him. "Focus!" Michael sticks his tongue out._ _

__Ryan's been calling and texting him for a month straight, and Michael's not sure if they're still bros or something else now. But Ryan's hilarious, and honestly, he _is_ really fucking hot. Michael can admit that._ _

__So he's not even surprised at his accelerating heartbeat when Ryan shows up at his tiny Ann Arbor apartment late one night, there for a training session at UMich._ _

__"MP!" Ryan grins, pulling Michael in for a hug. Michael blushes at the contact. He's still a painful virgin, but he could give a fuck less right now. "How's it hangin'?_ _

__"Great." Michael smiles. Ryan has this… _effect_ on him. If it had been anyone else, he would've mumbled a "Fine", then shuffled away. But Ryan…is different. _ _

__Michael still fighting down whatever feelings he has beyond that, though. Because even when a new photo comes out of the two of them, or even when Ryan just fucking smiles, there's a little nagging voice in the back of Michael's head that keeps reminding him that Ryan is a player. Once a player, always a player._ _

__He helps Ryan lug his stuff into the guest room, and he's bending over with Ryan's suitcase when he feels Ryan's eyes on him._ _

__It occurs to Michael that the only thing he's wearing are a pair of ratty flannel pajama pants, and a mental check tells him he's not wearing underwear beneath them._ _

__It also occurs to Michael that he hasn't even discussed the incident at Athens with Ryan ever since it happened, hasn't even brought it up. He doesn't even know where he stands._ _

__Ryan's hot. Hotter than pretty much any other guy Michael's ever seen, except for maybe Orlando Bloom as that Legolas guy. But even then…he can't deny that he, well, wouldn't mind making out with him. Just maybe not going too far yet._ _

__But there's the fact that Ryan is a fucking player that's still there, so Michael clears his throat and straightens, making sure to turn butt-away from Ryan. "'Kay, dude. I'm so fucking tired, I'm gonna get some sleep."_ _

__"Sure, man. Show me how to get to UMich in the morning?"_ _

__"Yeah." Michael grins back at Ryan as he walks out. "Incompetent…"_ _

__He's surprised to feel himself smile at Ryan's lazy laugh, that he can still hear in the hallway. "Fuck _you_ , MP."_ _

__Michael's still grinning as he flops down on his bed, but he groans as he sees that it's almost two in the morning. "Shit…Bob…" He mutters, pulling the covers around himself and trying as hard as he can to just fucking fall asleep._ _

__But it proves to be impossible, because Ryan's just _there_ , down the hall, and Michael knows he's not going to get a wink that night. Or any night that Ryan's there. _ _

__At two-thirty, Michael's door creaks open. He's on the edge of expecting it, seeing Ryan's dark shadow in the doorframe. There's a sense of trepidation that accompanies the darkness, but he whispers, "Ry?"_ _

__"MP." Ryan says. His voice is low and soft, and Michael's breath hitches as he feels Ryan's weight settle on the other side of the bed. "So…we need to, like, talk."_ _

__"Now?" Michael grumbles. "Like, tomorrow- "_ _

__But maybe Ryan didn't want to talk in the first place, because he lunges forward and kisses Michael hard on the lips. Michael can't do anything except make a soft sound and open his mouth to Ryan's tongue._ _

__They make out for a while, and when Ryan moves to his neck, nipping at his throat, Michael moans and shifts his legs, hips knocking into Ryan's. Ryan makes a small noise into his mouth, fingers undoing the tie on Michael's flannel pants._ _

__Michael just moans and wraps his arms tightly around Ryan's neck when Ryan's hand closes around him, and he can't think about anything else. He can't consider what they're doing. He just wants. Before he knows it, he's ripping off Ryan's shorts and they're rocking against each other. Ryan shoves his mouth against the side of Michael's neck and sucks, grinding slowly down on him.  
They make a mess on the sheets, and Ryan flops down next to him. _ _

__"So…" He laughs, and Michael smiles, punching his chest. "Is this gonna happen, or what?"_ _

__Michael detects that Ryan expects "yes" as an answer, and the question mark at the end of his sentence is just for decoration. But he nods silently in the dark, and he lets Ryan kiss his neck, and lay his head on his chest._ _

__Michael falls asleep at one point with his fingers resting in Ryan's soft curls. The crickets are starting to die off, and the only thing he can hear is their breathing. Every time he breathes in, Ryan breathes out._ _

__

__

__Ryan stays at Michael's apartment for a week, constantly at University of Michigan for training sessions. He and Michael go to Michael's favorite "hipster café" for coffee and the best brownies Michael's ever had, and one night, Ryan drags Michael off to another club._ _

__As they're stumbling home, Ryan keeps trying to sneak kisses in between steps, and Michael keeps pushing him away, giggling. When they get into Michael's apartment, Ryan shoves him through the bedroom door and down onto the sheets, mouth dropping to his neck._ _

__Michael moans and lifts his hips as Ryan strips him of his clothes, still protesting. "No…you're going home tomorrow…you need to…" He gasps as Ryan bites down on his throat. "Sleep."_ _

__"'S fine." Ryan mutters against Michael's collarbone, kissing down his chest._ _

__"No…" Michael says again, and he's suddenly struck with awareness when Ryan's hand travels to the inside of his thigh. Ryan's naked now, and he tries to push Michael's legs apart._ _

__Michael's brain flashes back to when he was sixteen, and he had his first girlfriend ever. His mother took him into the kitchen to give him a talk._ _

___"And Michael Fred, if she says no, you've got to assume that she really means no. No is no."_ _ _

__"Ryan…" He murmurs, trying half-heartedly to resist. Ryan clearly wasn't given this talk. But Ryan moves up his body and kisses him again, and it seems so earnest, like there's something real inside there._ _

__Michael's reminded of when he told his mom he was gay, and she just smiled and hugged him, but she asked him to save himself for "someone who really loves him." Michael tries to let the message sink back into his mind, infuse him with reason, but the alcohol puts a stop to that._ _

__"Please." Ryan breathes next to his ear. Michael hears the heaviness in his voice, and as Ryan kisses his neck and sucks gently, he opens his legs with a moan._ _

__Ryan moves back to his lips and trails his fingers down, pressing one against Michael's hole. Michael's breath hitches and he squeezes his eyes shut as Ryan pushes it inside._ _

__After a while, Ryan adds another, kissing Michael hard, and Michael moans as they brush over something inside him._ _

__"Fuck."_ _

__Ryan makes a soft sound and rubs over Michael's thigh, working his fingers harder, and Michael decides that he's ready. "Ry."_ _

__"You good?"_ _

__Michael nods, pulling Ryan down and kissing him._ _

__When Ryan enters him, Michael bites back a gasp. It hurts. It really hurts. His body screams to reject the intrusion, and Michael does his best to keep quiet as he listens to Ryan's soft panting._ _

__Ryan doesn't move for a long time, letting Michael adjust. But when he does, Michael's sharp breath is too audible, and Ryan kisses across his jaw, trying to get him to relax._ _

__When it starts to be okay, Michael lets his arms link around Ryan's neck, pulling him closer. Ryan's hips buck, and he hits that thing inside that makes Michael moan and tighten his legs around Ryan's waist. Ryan bites down on his neck and he keeps hitting that spot again and again._ _

__Michael clings to him, sensing that he's getting close. "Ry…"_ _

__Ryan's hips buck again, and that pushes him over the edge. Michael comes with a soft moan, Ryan following him a second later._ _

__Ryan rolls off next to him, and they just lie and catch their breath. Ryan eventually pulls Michael into his chest and kisses the back of his head._ _

__"So, we're like…dating." Michael observes, and Ryan laughs softly._ _

__"I guess. Something like that."_ _

__Michael wonders if Ryan knows how to commit. Probably not._ _

__But there's Ryan's smile, pressed into his skin, and Michael thinks of all the people who have fallen for that. He can't be blamed. He's only nineteen._ _

__"I can trust you, then." Michael says, and he knows it's the alcohol talking._ _

__But Ryan doesn't answer, because he's either asleep or pretending to be._ _

__

__

__After Ryan leaves, Michael can't stop thinking about him. His laugh, which Michael can't stop replaying in the tape recorder of his mind, mixing it with all the times he's heard Ryan say his name._ _

__He knows that he has fallen. Hard. This is something Michael promised himself that he would never let happen, without careful thought. But Ryan is Ryan, who emanates something that Michael can't put his finger on, and Michael can't help it._ _

__Ryan shares his playlists with Michael and updates him on pretty much everything in his life, which, honestly, Michael doesn't mind. Ryan's sort of artsy in a weird way, but he texts Michael a photo of one of his doodles and Michael stares at it for five minutes._ _

__The thing about Ryan is that he's not like anybody Michael's ever known before. Michael's never heard him complain, and it's almost like he can only see the light in everything, and the darkness is just a place with not as much light, nothing more._ _

__At the next meet they have, Ryan's there, and Michael can feel Ryan's eyes glued to him as he crosses the pool deck. He has to stop himself from smiling, because it's one of the first times he's felt really wanted in his life. Like someone else thinks about him like he thinks about them, thinks about his body and what can be done with it. Girls could never do that to him. Sometimes boys could. But Ryan's not really a normal boy._ _

__Later, as they're chowing down in Michael's hotel room, Cullen brings up a subject Michael would rather avoid. "Ugh, dude." Ryan looks lazily up, cheeks full of whatever. "I haven't been laid in, like, ten years."_ _

__Ryan snorts, and Michael waits for him to say the same, because it's been a while since they hooked up. But apparently not. "Naw, dude. Last week, this chick was all over me, and…well…" Ryan trails off, snickering as Cullen slaps a hand on his shoulder._ _

__Michael feels something cold, like liquid stone, spread over the center of his back._ _

__"Aw, fuck it. We need to get to a bar." Cullen groans, sitting up and stretching. "C'mon, you guys."_ _

__Outside, it's freezing. Michael shivers in the cold Montana air, running his hands up and down his arms, but there's a sudden blast of heat as Ryan pulls up on Cullen's motorcycle._ _

__"Really?" Michael's teeth chatter, and Ryan rolls his eyes, motioning for Michael to get on the back._ _

__"Don't even try, dude, this thing fucking rocks." Michael looks around to see Cullen climbing into Ryan's car, grin white in the darkness._ _

__Michael hops onto the back, wrapping his arms around Ryan's waist the moment Ryan hits the accelerator. The thing feels so fast, and the engine is so loud, what Ryan said earlier is drowned out. Michael lets his forehead drop onto Ryan's warm back._ _

__They arrive at a sketchy-looking little dive bar, and the moment they walk in, Michael can smell the weed. It's nearly empty, except for a group of stoners in the corner who look ten years older than they probably are. Michael bets that their scratchy gray beards smell like the weed they're smoking._ _

__The night is only a blur of vague visions for Michael, but he remembers smoke going up his nose and into his brain, then looking down at Ryan from a tabletop, and some sort of hard rock blaring in the background that could just be his imagination. One of the guys from the corner's hand rubs over his ass, but Michael doesn't care, just steps down and into Ryan's arms. There's a heavy weight suddenly on his back, and Michael lifts up a corner of the soft fabric to see the stars and stripes of an American flag._ _

__"He's so young…" A scratchy voice says near his ear, and Michael feels Ryan hold him closer. When Ryan speaks, his hot breath ghosts over Michael's ear. He can smell the marijuana on it, but his own is just the same._ _

__"Yeah, he is."_ _

__Eventually, Ryan leads him outside, laughing uncontrollably. Michael doesn't know what about, but he giggles along. The moment Ryan puts him on the bike, Michael sinks into a calm, and he swears he doesn't blink for a minute straight when Ryan revvs the engine and they speed off into the night. The flag is still wrapped around Michael's shoulders, and it's getting almost annoying._ _

__"Ry." Michael whispers, holding onto him, and somehow, Ryan can hear him._ _

__"What?" He yells back, still laughing. The sound is too loud in Michael's ears._ _

__"Were you being serious back at the hotel?" Michael asks, burying his face in the back of Ryan's neck. If he says yes, I could always hitchhike back, Michael thinks dully. It feels like his brain is evaporating inside his skull._ _

__"No." Ryan's laugh is still too loud. "I'm never serious."_ _

__Michael's isn't convinced if this is a good answer or not, but he lets it go. He feels like everything is clear now, like his eyes are wider than they were before. Ryan looks back at him for a really long time, and Michael frowns, the gesture feeling too extreme._ _

__"What're you staring at?"_ _

__"Just you." Ryan yells, and a bypassing truck honks as they dangerously swerve._ _

__"Eyes on the road." Michael murmurs, shifting, and Ryan turns back around._ _

__Leaning back, he slips the flag off his shoulders and holds onto it loosely, letting it swoosh out behind him. The red, white, and blue just looks like all black in the dark, but when the lights of a passing truck illuminate it, the colors are bright and almost garish. Michael winces, and he realizes that they've left Cullen back at the other interstate. Oh well._ _

__Michael closes his eyes and tips his head back, just holding on with his legs. He slowly lets the fabric slip through his fingers, relishing the thick cloth brushing over his over-sensitized skin._ _

__When Michael snaps out of his haze, he can only see a pile of fabric sitting on the empty highway._ _

__"Ry, I dropped it."_ _

__"Dropped what?"_ _

__"Flag." Maybe it's just because he's so fucking high, or maybe it's because he really thinks so, but Michael finds this really hilarious. He presses his lips together to muffle a laugh._ _

__"We'll find another one."_ _

__Michael lets his forehead drop down onto Ryan's back. The stars are just little fuzzy dots on the horizon now, as invisible as he is._ _

__

__

__They get back to their shitty little hotel and all Michael wants to do is flop down and sleep, but suddenly, that's not good enough, and he has to eat, but then he needs to sleep and he's just so confused._ _

__This sense of being lost, however, makes him bolder than he usually is, and when he comes out of the bathroom after singing Franz Ferdinand's "Michael" in the shower for twenty minutes straight, he slips into Ryan's bed, still humming under his breath.  
"Michael, you're the boy with all the leather hips, sticky hips, stubble on my sticky lips." He mumbles happily as he straddles Ryan, who groans and tries to push him off._ _

__"Ryan." Michael says, leaning down and kissing him. He even tastes like weed._ _

__"Mmph." Ryan says back, eyes red and half-lidded._ _

__"Why are you dating me?" Michael giggles, examining his hand with curiosity. "Like, why _me_?" _ _

__Ryan laughs and sits up, wrapping his arms around Michael's waist. He's warm, and Michael can't stop himself from leaning in a little. "Why the fuck would I do something like that?" He says, lazily coasting his hands over Michael's hips, studying his torso with something like obsession. "I don't know, MP." He looks into Michael's face. "There's, like, something about you that's so fucking cool, I don't know. Like rainbow, but with less, like, color. I don't know. I don't know."_ _

__Michael actually blushes. "Well, thanks."_ _

__Ryan grins. "And you kind of put out."_ _

__"Rude." Michael punches his shoulder, and Ryan just laughs._ _

__"Let's get some sleep."_ _

__

__

__When Michael stumbles back into his apartment in Michigan, drunk as hell after a post-flight bar trip and with Ryan holding on to him, he's forgotten all about what Ryan said._ _

__Ryan fucks him into the ratty pillows on the couch, panting hard with each thrust of his hips and pressing his face into the back of Michael's neck. Towards the end, he wraps an arm around Michael's waist and starts pulling him back into his thrusts, and Michael comes with a loud moan into Ryan's palm._ _

__Michael feels colder than he probably should, even with Ryan sprawled out next to him and snoring on his chest. It's nearly midnight, but he's wide awake still._ _

__"Ryan."_ _

__Ryan murmurs something into his collarbone._ _

__"I, like…" Michael's eyelids are too heavy now, like his body can't decide whether to just go to sleep or not. "I really like you."_ _

__He's not claiming love, but there is something there. In the spot right at the center of his spine, something is warm and getting warmer and alive, and Michael doesn't want to think it's _that_ , because it can't be. But it's something. Maybe it was caused by how Ryan smells, like burnt oranges and fairgrounds, or the way that a tiny piece of curly hair always pops out from the side of his head, but Michael can't get that thing away. _ _

__Ryan doesn't respond for a while, but when he does, his voice is softer than normal. "I like you. A lot. Like, this isn't some thing where we just hook up and talk to each other."_ _

__"Really?" Michael grins, glad that it's dark._ _

__"Really."_ _

__Michael sleeps then. When he wakes up, he expects to feel Ryan's warm body pressed on top of his, but apparently not. A noise comes from the kitchen, and the smell of coffee meets Michael's nose. It's bitterer than the stuff he drinks._ _

__

__

__They continue that way for the next two weeks. Over that period, Michael finds the drive in himself to get his butt down to Gainesville._ _

__"Hey, baby." Ryan drawls when he opens the door, and Michael's grin is huge. He likes being called that._ _

__They spend the day battling on Ryan's Xbox, and when Michael loses for the fourth time in a row, he blames it on the fact that Ryan doesn't have a shirt on. Ryan punches his shoulder, snickering. "You suck."_ _

__"Fuck you! I haven't touched one of these things since, like, yesterday. And that's a while for me."_ _

__Ryan snorts, unconvinced. Then he stands and offers Michael his hand. "C'mon, let's go get takeout."_ _

__While they're waiting at the little Chinese dive for their lo mein, Ryan grabs a napkin and starts doodling. His finished product is a guy with massive abs and ridiculous good looks with a skinny little boy who's wearing a frilly dress in his arms._ _

__"Who the fuck…is that me?" Michael raises an eyebrow. "I'm flattered."_ _

__"Muscle dude's _me_ , dipshit." Ryan grins. "And the drag queen's you."_ _

__"Fuck off!" Michael grabs a pen, eyes flaring. But he can't help the smile spreading over his face. "Are we going to do this?"_ _

__"Bring it, bitch."_ _

__It ends up pretty horribly, with new bodily concepts (Michael wasn't aware that pimples could go on eyeballs until now,) but Michael's laughing and burying his face in his hands. "Stoooop." He hiccups as Ryan removes his hand with a flourish to reveal a penis going in one of Michael's ears and out the other. Ryan snorts and holds it out in front of himself. "Yeah, I'm pretty fucking awesome."_ _

__"Sir, your order is ready." The lady says from the counter, and Michael stumbles to his feet, still trembling, and grabs the food._ _

__"Ugh. C'mon, Ry."_ _

__They stop at Ryan's weed supplier on the way back to the house, and five minutes after they've gotten through the door, Michael's vision is fuzzy at the edges and he feels happier than he should. It's just Chinese food._ _

__"You like it here, MP?" Ryan asks, giggling as he tosses a piece of chicken to Carter. When Carter picks it up in his teeth, Michael claps._ _

__"No, it sucks." Michael grins, and Ryan punches his shoulder._ _

__"Shut up." He mutters, then his lips are pressed to Michael's, and things take the route that Michael's come to accept as usual after that._ _

__

__

__It's another week before the next meet, which isn't very big, and it's in Tennessee. If there's one thing Michael can't stand, it's country music._ _

__"Oh, fucking hell." He groans, because as soon as he gets off the plane, Ryan cackling with Peter and Cullen next to him, Tim McGraw's latest hit is blaring over the airport speakers. "I'd rather be listening to, like, Evanescence."_ _

__"Aw, you mad, bro?" Ryan's grin is annoying but also adorable at the same time. "Don't worry, I brought earbuds."_ _

__They bob their heads along to Lil Wayne on the way to their hotel, the horrific twanging guitars drowned out now. All Michael wants to do is flop down on the bed and sleep when they get inside their room, which is considerably nicer than the one in Montana. But Ryan, of course, has to exhaust the contents of the minibar and fridge._ _

__"Dude, they have _Cheetos_. The jalapeño kind. You know how much I fucking love these."_ _

__"Ryyy." Michael whines as the harsh light of the mini fridge fills the dark room. "We have to get some sleep."_ _

__"So boring." Ryan says, but he closes the fridge and strips his shirt and shorts off, wandering over to Michael's bed in his boxers.  
Michael whines again when Ryan flops down behind him, pressed against his back. "Go away."_ _

__Ryan chuckles into the back of his neck. "Okay."_ _

__"What? No!" Michael feels cool air hit his back as Ryan sits up and he rolls over, wrapping his arms around Ryan's neck. "No…" Michael pulls Ryan down and starts kissing him. He doesn't know what's making him like this, but he just wants Ryan to stay in bed with him._ _

__"Thought you wanted me to go away." Ryan murmurs against his lips, propping himself up on one elbow, and Michael pulls him further down._ _

__"I was lying. Just stay here."_ _

__"Okay." Ryan kisses the side of his neck, burying his face in Michael's collarbone. The closeness fills Michael with something that feels like champagne being injected through his body._ _

__He thinks it may be a diluted form of love now, but that shit's for girls._ _

__

__

__They do well at the meet, and Michael finishes his butterfly event early the first day._ _

__As he's walking up the bleacher stairs to the platform where they go for the press, Michael looks back and sees Ryan stepping up to the block of lane four, arms raised in the air._ _

__Ryan turns his head and sees him, waving and smiling that smile._ _

___Good luck,_ Michael mouths, and it looks like Ryan's about to blow him a kiss or some shit, but Michael makes a camera snapping motion and Ryan gets the message. _ _

__Of course, the moment he turns around, a bulb flashes in his face._ _

__By the end of the relay section, Michael's feeling particularly lazy and on their designated day to finally be tourists, he firmly states that he's not going outside._ _

__"Fine." Ryan scoffs as he opens the door, heading out. "Want a souvenir?"_ _

__"Ugh. Just…coffee. Please."_ _

__"Got it."_ _

__Michael falls back asleep after that._ _

__He actually stays true to his promise, and he gets up at around two in the afternoon. There's a loud sound from down the hall, and Michael sits up, throwing on a hoodie._ _

__When he opens the door to their room and looks out, he wishes he hadn't._ _

__Ryan's at the end of the hallway, and some girl with shiny blonde hair and giant tits is pressing him against the wall. Her plaid shirt is pushed up around her waist, and Ryan's tongue is shoved down her throat, his hands roaming all over her ass._ _

__Michael feels frozen in place, and the only thing time hasn't stopped is the scene reflected in his eyes._ _

__"Ryan." The girl whispers in a high voice, and Ryan laughs softly._ _

__"We can't. My boyfriend's in there."_ _

__"What?" The girl pulls away for a moment and stares stupidly. "You have a boyfriend?"_ _

__"Um, I guess. Not really. I'm bi." Ryan has that lazy grin on his face, the same one that's been seared into Michael's vision since Athens._ _

__"Oh. Cool." The girl says, and she goes back to forcing her tongue against Ryan's._ _

__Finally, Ryan pulls away, and his gaze travels to the doorway where Michael's standing._ _

__"Oh, shit."_ _

__Michael can hear his whisper from all the way down the hall, and when he sees Ryan start to move toward him, he slams the door shut, pressing his back against it._ _

__"Ryan? What- " The girl's muffled voice comes from outside the door, and Michael feels his knees fold. He drops to the floor._ _

__"I…" Ryan knocks, too quick and desperate. He doesn't have the key. "Michael." He mutters through the crack. "Michael, please…"_ _

__Michael closes his eyes and holds his breath. Ryan stays there for a minute, his breathing audible through the door, and then he finally moves away._ _

__"Ryan, what happened? Was that your boyfr- "_ _

__"Just shut up." Ryan snaps, and Michael can hear a surprised gasp from the girl. "Get the fuck outta here."_ _

__She says something Michael can't make out, but soon the elevator's dinging and it sounds like Ryan's the only one outside._ _

__"Michael?" Ryan says through the door, and Michael does his best not to let himself respond. "Michael, open the door."_ _

__Michael actually fucking sniffles, but he's sure that Ryan can't hear it._ _

__"Get away from me." He mutters finally, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to ignore the hotness building up behind them._ _

__"Michael…" Ryan sounds a little desperate. "Baby, please. Let me in."_ _

__The "baby" makes Michael want to fling the door open and kiss Ryan. But he'd probably taste like that girl, like cheap lip gloss and whatever she'd last eaten._ _

__Michael waits another few seconds before getting up, knees feeling stiff, and opening the door. "Stop." He says when Ryan opens his mouth, and he pushes past Ryan down the hall._ _

__"What? I-" There's a light touch of Ryan's hand on his shoulder, and that's what sets him off._ _

__"Just shut the fuck up!" Michael spins around, pushing Ryan away when he reaches for him. "Don't fucking touch me."_ _

__"Michael- "_ _

__"I'm going to Cullen's room." Michael spits. "Don't try to fucking follow me, you asshole."_ _

__He doubts Ryan will, and that doubt is confirmed when he slams Cullen's door shut and he doesn't see Ryan's face disappearing behind it. Cullen isn't even there, out with Peter on some sort of tourist trip._ _

__Michael waits seven and a half seconds before he sits on the edge of Cullen's bed and starts crying, because he can't make it to ten._ _

__

__

__Michael knows it's going to be another couple weeks until the next meet, and he plans to cut Ryan off completely for as long as he can. It feels like there's something missing inside him, something that was just ripped out and it damaged the surface of his skin on the way, and Michael tries to ignore it for as long as he can. It's a little disturbing, how empty he can feel, even though he didn't think he was in love._ _

__His phone stays relatively silent, and Ryan only tries to text him three times. Michael doesn't respond, doesn't even read them, and it sounds like Ryan gets the drift._ _

__Michael wonders if he's a complete idiot for trusting someone like Ryan, someone with that kind of reputation. He wonders why he did in the first place. At one point, with his roomie, who doesn't know about him and Ryan, they're out at lunch and the restaurant is playing Lil Wayne, and Michael has to excuse himself from the table to go and decompose in the bathroom._ _

__Bob sends him a reminder about the meet a week before, and it's in Florida. Michael curses Speedo and USA Swimming for jerking his life around, but then he realizes that it's not their fault they don't know what's going on between him and Ryan._ _

__As he boards the plane to Florida, chatting idly with Aaron, Michael can't help but feel the rush of cold air next to him when Aaron gets up from his seat to use the bathroom, and if it was Ryan, it would be warm, not cold._ _

__Michael sighs and tries to sleep, but it's impossible._ _

__

__

__When they touch down at Miami International, Michael's dreading the next few days ahead of him. He knows Ryan's going to fight to get him back, and it disturbs him, this new feeling of being _wanted_. He's never really felt that before, and now in this situation, it's almost ruined. _ _

__They check into the hotel, and Michael reads with a sinking feeling that they've roomed him with Ryan. The ride in the elevator is painfully fast, and Michael wishes he could just hole up in a corner._ _

__It's not that he doesn't want to see Ryan himself, it's that he doesn't want to be reminded of the things that come with him. And since those things kind of just go together, he guesses that, well, maybe he just doesn't want to see Ryan._ _

__When Michael splits off from the group to go to his room, he turns the handle and Ryan's already in there. Michael can't look at him for some stupid reason, flushing and muttering about the bathroom._ _

__It's all Michael can do to keep from running into Ryan's arms when he finally comes out and looks into his face, because it's so goddamn gorgeous, and Michael hasn't seen it in so long. Something tugs the middle of his gut, and he has to fight it down just to get across the room._ _

__"Hey, MP." Ryan murmurs, eyes down, and when they flicker up, their blue is so sad. Michael wonders if he's really feeling guilty._ _

__"Hey, Ryan." He says back, but he leaves it at that. Michael's suddenly thankful that he's so tired, and he quickly takes off his shirt and pants, climbing under the sheets._ _

__"G'night." Ryan whispers, and then there's the click of the light switch and it's dark._ _

__

__

__Michael does horribly at the meet._ _

__He only gets one gold for the butterflies that people have come to accept as his signature event, and beyond that, it's bronze in everything. And it's only in the US._ _

__They go to an awkward dinner, with him at one end of the table and Ryan at the other, and Michael makes sure not to look at him the entire time. It makes him hurt, just a little, but it's still there._ _

__Back at the hotel, Ryan stays down in the lobby to talk with Cullen, probably about Michael, and Michael goes back up to their room. He feels like there was either something wrong with the food, or something's wrong with him, because his stomach is turning around and around in his torso and his head feels like it's not really attached to his neck. The moment he gets into their room, he yanks open the bathroom door and throws up into the toilet._ _

__When he comes out, Ryan's still not there, and Michael flips through the TV channels while he undresses, crawling into bed on his side and trying to focus on ESPN._ _

__The door creaks, and Michael closes his eyes briefly, knowing that Ryan's standing there. There's the rustling of clothes being removed and then the weight of Ryan sitting down on the other side of the bed._ _

__"MP." Ryan says quietly. "I'm sorry."_ _

__Michael breathes in, then breathes out and is furious to hear his breath rattling._ _

__"I really am. I hurt you, and I…" Ryan's hand is now on the small of his back through the covers. "I'll never do it again."_ _

__"Ryan, there is no again." Michael gets out, and he presses the back of his palm to his eye. "You cheated, and if you do it once, it's not going to stop."_ _

__"I won't. I promise." Ryan says, rubbing his palm over Michael's shoulder blades. "I'm sorry."_ _

__Michael feels Ryan shift when he doesn't reply immediately, draping an arm around his waist. "I'm sorry." Ryan says in his ear, nuzzling it softly._ _

__Michael's breath hitches and he lets Ryan's hands brush over his abdomen, pulling him backwards. "Ryan…" Just saying his name makes Michael want to whip around and kiss him._ _

__But then he thinks of how that girl made him hurt, and how Ryan made him hurt, and something inside him changes. The thing pressing on the backs of his eyes starts throbbing, and he tries to get Ryan off of him._ _

__"No. Ryan, no, you can't say anything- "_ _

__"Michael, please." Ryan breathes, and he presses a kiss to Michael's hair. "Let me try again."_ _

__Michael lets his eyes close briefly, trying to stop the wetness about to come out. "No- "_ _

__"Michael." Ryan murmurs, and his hand presses down, shifting him so they can look at each other. Michael shuts his eyes tighter and tries to push Ryan off, ignoring the damp trail down his cheek._ _

__"Stop it, I hate you, I hate you…" Michael's voice rasps as Ryan kisses the side of his neck, one of his hands traveling down to clasp Michael's. "I hate you…"_ _

__"No, you don't." Ryan whispers, pressing their lips together again. Michael lets out a small sob against his mouth, because dammit, he might just fucking be in love. But that doesn't mean he can't hate._ _

__"Shut up, Ryan, I hate you- " Michael repeats, unable to say anything else, and he's cut off by Ryan's lips._ _

__"No, you don't." Ryan kisses his cheek and jaw, moving down his neck. "I know you don't."_ _

__Michael's still crying as Ryan's hands slip under his shirt to push it up and over his shoulders. Ryan hoists him up into his lap and keeps kissing, holding on to Michael's waist._ _

__Michael doesn't know why the hell he's letting Ryan do this. But no matter how hard he tries to convince himself that they have to stop, that this isn't the way a healing relationship is supposed to work, that everything about it is so, so wrong, he can't hide the wave of want that surges through him with every kiss pressed to his skin._ _

__He's not crying anymore when Ryan's pushing slowly inside him, sucking softly on his throat and holding Michael's legs around him. Michael makes a soft sound and wraps his arms around Ryan, closing his eyes._ _

__When it's done, Michael pushes Ryan off of him and heads to the bathroom to wash his face. He doesn't look back to see Ryan's expression. Staring in the mirror, Michael tries to tell himself that what he sees isn't some wrecked, naive boy who fell too fast and couldn't get back up in time._ _

__"Ryan." He blurts once he comes out, and Ryan looks up. Michael wishes he could see some form of guilt, or even just love, because that's what he wants, in Ryan's eyes, but he just can't tell._ _

__"Don't you dare cheat again." Michael whispers, going to stand at the edge of the bed, and Ryan pulls him down. He wraps his arms around Michael and presses his lips to the top of Michael's head._ _

__"I won't. I'm sorry. I promise I won't do that again."_ _

__"You swear to me?" Michael says, and the tiredness is really starting to make itself known. He just needs to sleep._ _

__"I swear." Ryan says quietly into his hair, then Michael lets himself be lulled asleep by Ryan's steady breathing._ _

__

__

__Ryan drives Michael to the airport and stops at the reds to kiss him._ _

__"I'll come up to Ann Arbor as much as I can." He says as they walk to the terminal, and Michael has to remember that they're in public and there are cameras to stop himself from starting to make out right then and there. He just awkwardly pats Ryan on the shoulder._ _

__"Yeah you will."_ _

__Ryan smiles. "Don't worry." Apparently he wasn't satisfied with a shoulder-pat either, because he leans in and pulls Michael into his arms. "You can trust me."_ _

__Michael can't keep the smile off his face as he boards the plane. He looks back, and Ryan's walking away, but then Ryan glances over his shoulder and his blue eyes meet Michael's brown ones._ _

__Ryan smiles and waves._ _

__

__

__"Hey, are you free this weekend?" Michael says into the speaker of his phone a week later, tossing Bob's pen up and down idly. It clatters onto the deck, and he picks it up, blushing._ _

__"I think so. Why?" Ryan's voice crackles over the static, a thousand miles away._ _

__"I'm moving, and I don't wanna do it all by myself. Can you help?" Michael sounds a little pouty, but he knows it'll win Ryan over in three…two…_ _

__"Sure. I'll come up." Ryan sounds almost eager, and Michael grins to himself._ _

__"Thanks, Ry." He checks to make sure no one else is around, only seeing some guy stretching out by the diving board, then lowers his voice. "We can also do other things than sweat and move boxes, if you get my drift."_ _

__Ryan's laugh is gorgeous. "Oh, I definitely get it. I'll be there, don't you worry."_ _

__"I knew you would." Michael smiles, then rolls his eyes as Bob's bark sounds across the pool, telling him to turn the phone the fuck off and get back to work. "Sorry, Ry, I gotta go. But thanks, okay?"_ _

__"Sure thing. See ya, babe."_ _

__Michael's still smiling as he throws his phone into his workout bag and gets to work._ _

__

__

__Ryan keeps his promise, and that Saturday, Michael's door opens to reveal him standing there, in his signature douchebag tank top and basketball shorts._ _

__"Love the grunt outfit."_ _

__Ryan winks and slaps Michael's ass as he barges in, which Michael has to admit is a little, well, rude but adorable. "Knew you would. C'mon, let's get going."_ _

__The moving isn't all that difficult, especially with the fact that Michael gets to stare at Ryan's ass when he bends over to pick up more boxes. It's surprising, the amount that he can lift, and Michael blushes as he realizes Ryan's stronger than he is._ _

__It takes them three hours, but eventually all of Michael's shit is out of the apartment and into a tiny one-bedroom just on the edge of the Michigan campus. "It's…cute." Ryan tries, grinning, and Michael punches his arm._ _

__"Douche. It's gorgeous."_ _

__The house actually isn't that bad, like a mini Tudor cottage with big windows that could either be very sucky or very good, Michael hasn't decided yet. But the main thing is that it's cheap, and the street is quiet._ _

__"Okay, I got it from here…" Michael begins, but then he remembers his promise, and he turns around, smirking. "Or you could, you know, come inside if you want. Get a feel for the layout of the place."_ _

__Ryan returns the smirk. "Love to."_ _

__Five minutes later, they're rolling around naked on the floor of the upstairs bedroom, Ryan's lips attached to Michael's shoulder and his hand snaking down between them._ _

__Michael's too breathless to think twice, just remembers his promise and closes his eyes, moaning along with the thrusting as Ryan fucks him, breathing heavily into Michael's neck._ _

__"Let's move the bed in here." Ryan pants after they're done, flopping down next to Michael and running his hands over Michael's arms._ _

__"Whatevs." Michael breathes, still trying to catch his breath._ _

__

__

__Ryan kisses him quickly goodbye as he leaves for Gainesville, and Michael's pretty sure that he forgives Ryan by now._ _

__At least Ryan didn't go all the way with that slut, at least not as far as Michael could see. Michael doesn't understand why he's so happy, but he's not about to go get depressed again about some idiot blonde with double D's. So he decides to take advantage of this for as long as he's in this state._ _

__Ryan calls him again that weekend._ _

__"Babe you gotta get down here right now oh my god- "_ _

__Michael's starting to really like this "babe" business, and he can't help smiling. "What's up?"_ _

__"I got a dog, oh my fuck, he's so awesome but he threw up all over my couch, help- "_ _

__Michael starts to laugh, then claps a hand over his mouth. "Oops. Don't worry, I'll be there tonight."_ _

__He ditches practice, doesn't even give Bob any warning. He knows he's going to get it, in the worst ways Bob can think of, on Monday, but he could care less. It's Ryan, after all. His boyfriend._ _

__That's when it really sinks in, for Michael, that he and Ryan are really dating. In a weird, cross-country way, but he thinks it still counts. It's what he wanted, and he's getting it. They fly across the country to see each other, for Christ's sake. Michael's pretty sure that counts for everything and anything._ _

__Michael's grinning like an idiot on the plane, and he listens to ridiculously pretty songs, humming along. The flight attendant smiles at him, the guy sitting next to him smiles, and Michael feels like he has the right to be happy._ _

__Until they touch down in Gainesville, and the lady in front of him at the airport checkout is reading the latest Us Weekly issue. Michael can see just the bottom corner of the page over her shoulder, and it's not like he's _trying_ to look, but he does, and he notices the tiny header of the article._ _

___Olympian Michael Phelps's Tear-Streaked Family Past Revealed_ _ _

___The gold-medal-winning swimming phenomenon, nineteen, has a tragic past aching in the heart behind that muscled chest. Phelps's father, Fred, left the family when Michael was seven years old, says a source close to-_ _ _

__Michael looks away then, eyes narrowed as he tries not to think about every fucking thing that article got wrong._ _

__First of all, his daddy didn't leave, his mother drove him to it, of course. That was his argument when he was trying to get as much money from them as he could. And he didn't leave when Michael was seven, no, he started leaving when Michael was born. Michael thinks he just couldn't stand his son, or something, because according to his aunt, everything was going just fine until he came along._ _

__The cloud above Michael's head is darkening as he goes up the front walk to Ryan's tiny duplex, and he forces it down, breathing deeply and counting to ten before he rings Ryan's doorbell._ _

__When Ryan opens the door, he has a cloth tied over his face, and a stench that reeks like shit in the sun meets Michael's nose. "OH fucking hell-" Michael gasps, and Ryan nods apologetically, handing him a bandana._ _

__"Sorry, MP. He just…everything just came out." A soft barking comes from inside the house, and Ryan looks pleadingly at him. "Please help me."_ _

__After Michael's been introduced to Carter, Ryan's new Doberman puppy, he grudgingly helps Ryan clean up the barf all over the house. They somehow, with two spray cans of Febreze, get the smell to go away, and Carter curls up contentedly on the couch._ _

__By then, it's almost midnight, but Michael isn't tired. And Ryan isn't either, apparently._ _

__Ryan leads him up the stairs and into his bedroom with a kind of urgency that Michael finds sexy, and he immediately starts stripping Michael's clothes off his body._ _

__They fall onto the bed and Ryan rolls them over so Michael's on top. Ryan's back hits the headboard and he holds on to Michael's hips, one hand slipping around to squeeze at Michael's ass. Michael moans and lets Ryan slip one, then two fingers inside him, then he can't stand it anymore._ _

__"Fuck, fuck, fuck," Michael moans over and over again as he rides Ryan, Ryan's hands groping all over his ass and one sliding around to start jerking Michael off. Michael comes into his palm with a soft moan, Ryan following him a second later._ _

__"Fun stuff." Ryan laughs as they flop down next to each other, and Michael smacks his chest._ _

__"Shut up."_ _

__

__

__Michael leaves Gainesville happy._ _

__But he's not so happy a week later, when he wakes up and has to run to the bathroom to puke up whatever's in his stomach._ _

__"Just a bug." The doctor tells him. "You'll be fine, just take this."_ _

__Michael coughs and hacks and sneezes, and he's out of training for four days. In those four days, he calls Ryan, miserable and sniffling._ _

__"Oh, babe. You need anything?" Ryan sounds a little distracted, but Michael's too sick to really take notice. He's worrying about the meet coming up, a big one, and if he misses this much practice, he doesn't know how he's going to do._ _

__"I'm fine. Just…" Michael sighs. "I'll see you in Denver, then?"_ _

__"Course. I'm gonna whoop your ass."_ _

__Michael grins. "Oh, shut up."_ _

__He recovers slowly but without any bumps, and he's back in the pool and training harder than ever. He actually listens to Bob's rants about his flip turns and breaststroke. He lets the fact that he'll be seeing Ryan in just a few days spur him on._ _

__

__

__He arrives in Denver, and is only a little disappointed to see that he's roomed with Cullen. But Ryan's just down the hall with Aaron, so it's all good._ _

__Michael wonders if his life has gotten too unicorn-and-rainbow-ish since he and Ryan got back together. He wonders if that's even possible, if you can get too happy._ _

__The day before the meet, Michael's feeling sluggish, and he can only grunt in acknowledgment when Cullen comes into their room._ _

__"Hey, MP." Cullen's voice sounds more serious than usual. "We gotta talk."_ _

__Michael sits up. "About…"_ _

__"Ryan."_ _

__Michael's eyes widen just a fraction of an inch, and he prays to the lord that whatever Cullen has to say is good. "Um, okay."_ _

__Cullen sits next to him, but it seems like he can't look Michael in the eyes. "Look…I know you, like, really like Ryan and shit."_ _

__Michael nods, deliberately slow. "Your point…"_ _

__Cullen bites his lip. "Like, I don't wanna ruin things between you, but…"_ _

__Michael frowns. "Cullen, get it out."_ _

__"I…" Cullen sighs. "Oh, fuck this. MP, I saw him with some chick in the backseat of a car. She was all over him."_ _

__Michael's world narrows, everything else going dark except for what he just heard._ _

__"What?"_ _

__"Yeah, I know." Cullen grimaces. "Look, bro, please don't be mad at me, I just saw- "_ _

__"Where is he?" Michael asks quietly, hearing his voice shake. "Where is he now?"_ _

__"MP-"_ _

__"I asked you where he is."_ _

__Cullen's face looks pleading. "In the…cafeteria."_ _

__Michael stands, his legs feeling ready to fold beneath him. His head spins, and he swears the edges of his vision start to dissolve. "Okay. Thanks." He murmurs, not even aware of what he's saying._ _

__"MP, don't- " Cullen starts, but Michael walks away._ _

__

__

__Michael slams the door to the cafeteria, feeling like the giant hole has just been re-opened in the center of his chest. He sees Ryan sitting at the other end of the room, laughing and talking with Peter and Aaron, and the hole is filled with something dark, like anger, only worse._ _

__Michael crosses the room, that familiar pressure building behind his eyes with every step. He clenches his jaw when Ryan looks up to see him and smiles, that fucking smile that got him into this mess in the first place._ _

__"MP!" Ryan says, and he just keeps _smiling_ , and that's what sets Michael off._ _

__"Is it true? What Cullen said?" He spits as he strides up to the table. Peter and Aaron look at him like he's insane, but Michael doesn't give a fuck at the moment._ _

__Ryan hesitates for a split second, and in that split second, Michael knows._ _

__"Michael- "_ _

__Michael slaps him._ _

__The smacking sound echoes through the room like a gunshot. Ryan holds a hand to his cheek, looking shocked._ _

__"What the fuck- "_ _

__"You motherfucker." Michael's voice cracks in the middle of the sentence, and he can't spend one more second in that fucking room or he's going to lose it._ _

__Michael leaves Ryan behind him, holding his face, and doesn't bother slamming the door. His point was already made._ _

__

__

__Michael doesn't go to the meet._ _

__He just wanders around Denver, totally oblivious to anyone and anything, and doesn't even think about swimming. He doesn't really care about the rest of his team missing one of their most important relayers. He knows Bob is going to absolutely murder him. He knows it's going to look really awful as he preps for Beijing._ _

__But Michael also knows that if he even touches the water, he's just going to drown._ _

__

__

__When his plane touches down in Ann Arbor, Michael stops by a fratty club just outside the campus to get a beer, and ends up getting carried away._ _

__Some guy starts hitting on him, blocking his path and insisting that he buy Michael a drink. Just to get rid of him, Michael agrees. One drink ends up being two, then three, then he's thoroughly wasted. He doesn't even really know what's happening as the guy grinds slowly against him, hands roughly gripping his hips._ _

__"Wanna go back to my apartment after this?" The guy yells in his ear over the music, rubbing his crotch against Michael's ass.  
Michael just nods, because he'd rather be anywhere than his house._ _

__An hour later, Michael's digging his fingers into a mattress that smells like football jerseys as the guy fucks him, panting into his ear._ _

__He's not gentle like Ryan is, and he's not good like Ryan is. Michael starts to hurt halfway through, gritting his teeth. He can't touch the guy for some reason, so he just curls the sheets up in his fist and makes a soft sound. The guy seems to think Michael's turned on, and he moves his hips faster, groaning._ _

__Michael comes noiselessly and without ceremony, and the guy doesn't stop. When he's done, he pulls out and tries to kiss Michael, but Michael tilts his head to the side._ _

__"Let's sleep." The guy says, throwing the condom toward the trash and missing._ _

__Michael doesn't sleep, but he pretends to for the guy's sake._ _

__

__

__Michael takes the punishment from Bob silently the next day, completing the ridiculous workout without protest. Bob seems to sense something's seriously wrong, but, because he's Bob, he doesn't give Michael a break._ _

__The moment he flops down on his bed, exhausted from school and practice, his phone rings. Michael extends one long arm, sees Ryan's caller ID, and turns it off._ _

__Ryan texts him again five minutes later. Michael deletes it. Ryan texts him again. Michael deletes it. It's like Ryan can tell what he's doing and is just getting more and more persistent._ _

__At the eighth text, Michael actually screams at his phone._ _

__"I don't fucking want to TALK TO YOU!" He yells, shoving it under the bed and slamming his bathroom door closed behind him. He leans his elbows on the counter and regards himself with something like disgust. Turning away, Michael strips off his shirt and turns the water on._ _

__As he waits for it to heat up, Michael notices that there are shadows under his ribs that mirror the ones under his eyes, and his hip juts out too far when he tilts it. When he tips his head forward, the notches of his spine are visible down his back._ _

__Michael thinks back to the time he last ate and remembers throwing a sandwich in the trash along with a Starbucks cup the day before. He must have forgotten about it._ _

__"What the hell is wrong with me." He says to his reflection, staring at his bones poking out of his skin._ _

__When he steps in the shower, the water is uncomfortably hot, and he grabs his razor as fast as he can and retreats to the corner. As he drags it up his calf, it snags and a trail of blood spills down his leg._ _

__Something about this is so upsetting, or maybe it's not even about the goddamn cut, but Michael hears himself whimper. He drops to his knees and tries not to look at his sliced leg, but it's deeper than he thought, and the water around him turns pale red._ _

__Michael gasps and sobs, because everything hurts now, not just his leg, and he can feel his shoulder blades shaking as everything spills out. He just cries, not entirely sure why. It's mostly because of Ryan, but because of other things too, that he can't place. Everything hurts._ _

__He eventually manages to get the water off and a bandage wrapped around his calf, and all Michael wants to do is sleep. He stumbles out of the bathroom and falls onto his bed, drifting off immediately._ _

__

__

__Michael stays in that darkness for the next two weeks._ _

__In the middle of fall, Michigan decides to have a warm spell, then replace it with humid, relentless downpours, and Michael officially labels himself as "depressed miserable kid who can't think straight because he thinks he might be in love."_ _

__His times get worse and worse, he gets thinner and thinner, and he doesn't know what's wrong with him. He snaps more than often at Bob but can't bring himself to feel guilty. He tries to eat, he really does, but it's like his body just rejects everything. It's not like he throws up, he just knows whatever he puts in isn't even acknowledged._ _

__Eventually, Bob brings it up, and it isn't pretty. "Michael. Why aren't you eating?"_ _

__"I am."_ _

__"I can see your spine. You're not."_ _

__"I fucking am, Bob, Jesus Christ, just drop it- "_ _

__"You aren't._ _

__Michael ends up having a breakdown and Bob says that he should get himself to the hospital. They diagnose him with some temporary sickness Michael can't pronounce and inject something, then prescribe a tiny orange bottle of pills. They also say he needs to sleep. Michael almost laughs._ _

__Michael ends up being out of training for a week, and after that ends, Bob says he maybe needs to stop for a few more days, just to get settled again. Michael wants to start crying, something he wants to do a lot now, and he actually gives Bob a hug. Bob awkwardly rubs his back and lets him go, telling him to lie down. Take his time. That's something Michael hasn't heard in years, and it's so inviting._ _

__

__

__Michael sits in just his pajama shorts and watches reruns of Friends, trying to relax. He listens to the rain that has started to drizzle slowly get harder and harder until it's coming down in torrents on his windowpanes, so that it slightly blurs the silhouettes of everything outside his house._ _

__Michael gets halfway through The One With Rachel's Date when his phone rings from next to him._ _

__Dreading who he knows is on the caller ID, Michael reaches out and looks at it. His heart thuds in his chest when he sees Ryan's photo, and his thumb hovers over the "answer" button._ _

__The doctors told him to relax. This is not relaxing._ _

__Michael closes his eyes and decides to just get it over with. It's not like Ryan's right outside his door or anything._ _

__"Hello?" He murmurs, and he can hear Ryan's breathing on the other end._ _

__"Michael." Ryan says, voice low, and Michael grimaces._ _

__"What do you want?"_ _

__Ryan hesitates for a long time. "Michael, are you going to hang up on me?"_ _

__"I might."_ _

__Ryan sighs, and Michael's heart thuds again. "Just say it."_ _

__Ryan cuts straight to the point. "Cullen got it wrong. I want you to know that."_ _

__"What?" Michael scoffs. "I don't think you can fucking tell me what's wrong, Ryan."_ _

__"No, Michael, you're not listening. That wasn't- "_ _

__"Just STOP!" Michael screams, and he can just _see_ Ryan wincing. "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! JERKING ME AROUND LIKE A FUCKING ASSHOLE AND- "_ _

__"Michael, stop." Ryan's voice is deathly quiet. "You need to listen."_ _

__"Just shut up, I hate you so much, I wish I never met you and I hate you…" Michael fights hard to keep his breathing under control. His brain can't think of anything else to say at the moment._ _

__He can't even accept the fact that when he heard Ryan's voice, he was filled with this feeling of want, need, that was so intense he had to backtrack and make sure he wasn't passing out. The way Ryan's words just melted everything cold he could ever have inside him. It was horrible, but amazing at the same time, and Michael just wants to deny until he forgets._ _

__"Michael." Ryan seems to be getting ready for something, and Michael hears the faint honking of car horns and the buzz of traffic in the background._ _

__"She was my sister."_ _

__Michael freezes, not even aware he's gotten up and started pacing._ _

__"What?"_ _

__"She was my sister. That girl Cullen told you I was with. And she was giving me a hug." Ryan sounds almost resentful. "So unless you're suggesting something that's fucking disgusting, which it wasn't, you're the one who's wrong."_ _

__Michael can't breathe. His throat feels like it's collapsing, and he puts a hand to his forehead, trying to just process everything. Ryan keeps going, breathing a little hard._ _

__"Michael, I know I should've talked to you in the cafeteria. Because when I saw you, I knew you thought I cheated again. But I made you a promise, and I didn't break it."_ _

__"Ryan." Michael murmurs, haze overtaking his head._ _

__"Michael, where's your house again?"_ _

__"Why?" Michael says, not able to register what he's saying._ _

__"I'm on your block."_ _

__Michael's mind and heart suddenly kick back in, and everything sinks in._ _

__"Ryan." Michael whispers to himself, letting his phone clatter to the ground. The rain pounds on his windows, drowning out everything but his racing thoughts._ _

__He doesn't care if he's overreacting, or if it's cheesy, he doesn't really care about anything except the fact that Ryan's right _there_ , pulled up outside his house._ _

__Michael dashes to his front door and throws it open too hard, making a small noise at the back of his throat as he sees Ryan's beat-up truck parked out there, raindrops pouring down on it._ _

__"Ryan!" Michael shouts above the rain, and a thunderclap sounds above him. He sees Ryan's slightly blurry silhouette getting out of the truck, and Michael's breath hitches._ _

__"Michael! Get back inside!" Ryan calls back to him, slamming his car door shut, and Michael can't just stand and wait anymore, because Ryan's right there._ _

__He doesn't even care that he's getting soaked to the bone, because he's going to Ryan. Michael runs down his front steps, feet against the cold, wet pavement, and straight into Ryan's arms._ _

__Ryan makes a muffled noise, but Michael's going to fast, and he somehow gets his legs around Ryan, pressing their mouths together, and winds his arms around Ryan's neck. Ryan kisses back just as hard and Michael brings his hands up to tangle in Ryan's soaked hair, closing his eyes and trying not to let go of the feeling that even though he should be freezing, he's so warm._ _

__Ryan pins him back against the side of his truck, hitching Michael's thighs up around his waist, and keeps kissing him. The cold rain splashes over the bare skin of Michael's back, and Michael shifts, one arm hooked tightly around Ryan's neck while his other hand twists in Ryan's curls._ _

__"Stay here." He whispers between kisses, Ryan's wet lips pressing urgently to his after every word. "Stay here now."_ _

__Ryan nods breathlessly, their foreheads touching together. His eyes close and he kisses the space just below Michael's ear, with a gentleness that Michael hasn't felt in what seems like forever._ _

__Ryan carries him up the steps and into the dark house, Michael's legs still wrapped around him. Michael clings to him, soaked and shivering. It's too cold everywhere, but he feels like he's slowly melting on the inside, and he tightens his arms around Ryan's neck, burying his face in Ryan's curls. Ryan leans up and kisses his cheek as he goes up the stairs, and Michael thanks whoever he needs to thank that Ryan's strong enough, because he doesn't really feel like he can walk at the moment._ _

__Ryan sits heavily onto the bed, and Michael straddles his lap, still kissing him. He's feeling ridiculously babied and needy, but he could give a fuck less right now. There could be something wrong with him, and he still wouldn't give a fuck._ _

__They kiss for so long, Michael loses track. He just wants it to never stop. Ryan makes a soft sound and moves to his neck, gently sucking the skin of Michael's throat until a moan slips through Michael's lips._ _

__"Please, Ryan." Michael gasps, eyes closing as Ryan bites softly on his collarbone. Ryan mutters something that Michael wishes he was able to hear and gently lays him down on the sheets, climbing on top of him._ _

__Michael's embarrassed at his lack of breath, and he pushes insistently at Ryan's wet t-shirt. "Take this off."_ _

__Ryan tosses his shirt in the corner, then returns to Michael's neck, fingers hooking in the band of Michael's shorts. Ryan pulls them off, pausing and staring down at Michael. He smiles._ _

__"What?" Michael asks, just wanting Ryan to keep kissing him._ _

__"Nothing." Ryan murmurs, and he takes off his own shorts. Michael winds his arms around Ryan's neck and closes his eyes as Ryan kisses his shoulder, moving across his collarbone._ _

__When he looks down again, Ryan's pulling two fingers out of his mouth, and soon, one is pushing inside of him. Michael moans and tightens his arms around Ryan's neck, legs falling apart._ _

__Ryan licks and kisses at his neck as he fingers him open, Michael's soft moans getting steadily louder. Eventually, Ryan pulls his hand away and supports himself above Michael, pressing kisses to his jawline as he slides inside him._ _

__Michael gasps and tries not to thrash, pulling Ryan's head down just to hold on to something. Something about it feels different, but definitely not in a bad way._ _

__Ryan starts moving with a slow rhythm, panting softly, and Michael moans, letting his legs hike up around Ryan's back. Ryan's thrusts are quickening, and when he hits that spot, Michael bites his tongue to keep from crying out._ _

__"Ryan." He moans, and he keeps saying Ryan's name as Ryan gets deeper, he doesn't know why. Ryan groans and kisses him, only pulling away to breathe._ _

__Michael feels that tingling spread through his body and he comes, moaning out Ryan's name and shuddering around him. Ryan bites down on his neck as he follows, hips stuttering to a halt._ _

__Michael's not sure how long he shudders, breathless, but he clings to Ryan's neck and doesn't let go._ _

__"I'm sorry." He says finally, and Ryan shifts on top of him, breathing still a little hard._ _

__"No, it's my fault." Ryan murmurs, and he props himself up on his elbows. "Bob called me yesterday and basically yelled at me for half an hour. He doesn't miss a thing" He kisses Michael's nose and rolls off. "I gotta put some- "_ _

__"No." Michael says, and he's being such a brat, but he really just wants Ryan to stay. "Don't leave."_ _

__Ryan hesitates, but he lays back down next to Michael, wrapping his arms around him and pulling Michael's head onto his chest. Michael slings a leg across Ryan's hips to make sure he stays put._ _

__They stay like that, the dimming light surrounding them, for a long time. Michael traces his fingers over the planes of Ryan's chest and abdomen over and over again, and Ryan presses his lips onto his forehead._ _

__Michael finally brings it up. "So, she was your sister."_ _

__"Yeah." Ryan says after a while. He takes a deep breath. "Michael, I know I should've said something, but I just…" He sounds pained. "I just…"_ _

__"It's fine." Michael murmurs, and he means it._ _

__There's more silence, and Michael closes his eyes. His chest is getting tight._ _

__"Ryan." He whispers, and Ryan shifts his arm around Michael._ _

__"I think I love you."_ _

__Ryan's quiet, and the only thing Michael can do is count his breaths._ _

__"I think I love you, too." Ryan says, and Michael knows he's smiling._ _

__"Cool." Michael breathes. hugging Ryan closer._ _

__Ryan clears his throat. "Can we just take out the 'think' part, cause, like…"_ _

__"Yeah." Michael reaches around himself and pulls the blanket tighter._ _

__Michael falls asleep slowly, with Ryan's hand rubbing down his back and then up again, and he feels warm, despite the chilly rain outside that's still beating down in the windows. Ryan's arm around him feels like a lock, not holding him back, but keeping him safe._ _

__

__

__Michael wakes up to light that's too harsh and too much all at once._ _

__He immediately closes his eyes again, but not just because they're burning._ _

__He's never really gone to sleep with Ryan and woken up with him before, because Ryan always leaves him before morning comes. Michael doesn't know why, but this is really sad to him, and he wants to spare himself from waking up and finding Ryan's not there._ _

__Michael sighs and opens his eyes, expecting whatever's under his head to just be his pillow._ _

__But he looks up and Ryan's there, fast asleep, looking beautiful. Michael drops his head back down on Ryan's chest and holds him tighter, unable to keep the smile off his face. The air he tries and almost fails to breathe smells like evaporating rain and Ryan's skin, burnt oranges and fairgrounds._ _

__Ryan eventually wakes up and looks sleepily down at him, barely smiling. "Hey."_ _

__His voice sounds so good that Michael can't really control himself anymore, so he lunges up and kisses Ryan hard, straddling him to make sure he doesn't try to go away again. Ever._ _

__A minute later, they pull apart. Ryan's breathless, but his grin is huge, and his flushed cheeks just make Michael smile back.  
"Breakfast?" Ryan asks, coasting his hands over Michael's hips._ _

__"Breakfast." Michael agrees, then he kisses him again._ _


End file.
